The stud: a new reflection





Sometimes in year twenty thousand and eight I wrote about an idea which was proliferating around as a ethic. what happened since i wrote about the stud is that i have had to go through a relationship which I was used as a stud. very funny but it did happened. In two thousand and nine, i met with my baby mother in a community church in southampton. At first, i did not take into her even though she appeared moderately attractive but i had my mind on somebody else then. Within the circumstance we met, we had to talk and honestly I sense a connection between us. The connection was just that we were able to talk freely with each other of which I had not been able to do with anybody in a long time. However, i had my mind on somebody else then so I completely ignore whatever the connection was on that day.


It happened that some days later i had the honor to meet with the same woman again. It was on the christmas eve of year two thousand and nine. She came to the Christmas carol with her four young boys of which the oldest is just going to fifteen with the youngest six. She introduced me to her family, by which i mean her young boys. At the time she makes a joke of the fact that she would love to have a baby girl, if not but one. it was a joke right; but after the christmas carol she invited me over to her place by giving me her telephine number. I said i would call but did not and after three days she sent somebody to me. I promised that i would call but yet i did not.


I think she must have got tired of waiting because two days after christmas she showed up but this time without her boys. She demanded I should come to her place for dinner with her friend whom she had sent after me.


That night I left with her and her friend to her place without knowing that would be the last time I would be a free man again. On that night she demanded that I should stay with her, said her boys is with their father. four boys i was introduced to but I get to know there was another fifth stuck with somebody whom she had not seen since the boy was three or four. And, if you were thinking, they all belonged to different men. Three junior ones belonged to one man and there age is nine, eight and six while the two older ones belonged to two other men. Okay, the point now is that she is alone by herself and would like to start with another man. I am still young and deserve a life. I do not suppose anybody could denial her that right.


On this night she said i could stay with her and live with her if I want to and because of me threw out her friend because she was against it. Honestly, i had to say I had not known any sincerity like hers. We had sex on the same night and during the sex she cried that she felt pregnant and asked me if I would like to have a baby. That was sincere and any previouse thought of running away the next morning varnishe from my mind. So I asked her if she was sure this is what she want. she said yes. Do I have any child she asked me. i said there is none which i know of and i would like to have a child at any day from now. which honestly speaking have cross my mind a few months before december. After i had admit this truth to her she said that we should do it. I felt reluctant and wich i could say no to her but on second thought this is what i wanted as well but she just was not the type of girl I would have settle for to have a child by. First was the large family of broken marriages or engagement and young children growing up within this damaged relationships. Then there was the feeling that I my ready to cope with such a large family responsibility. But by the morning after a night of bad sex I still could not say goodbye. What is wrong with me? Is it just about having somebody to love and care for you or is it just about having a child and starting a family. I guessed i must agreed that any family is better than no family. But i had to spent the next six months to ponder on these issues but at the end i think my curiousity must have got the better part of me and a sincere attitude to do something for this generaous and caring woman. Generouse, she was, caring she was but that was not everything she was really sick. She explained to me that she was just recovering from addiction to alcohol. And she would like to gain custody of all her children back ones she is now clean. She was honest about this as well but she wants another baby. She loves babies she said but hates them when they start growing up. Three months down the road I am still wondering what I was still waiting around for. In three months twice I made up my mind to leave her and her life. I walked out of the door and hoped i would not have to return but there I found myself back ones she called me and asked me to come back to her. She loves me she said and would I just walk into their lives and walk out like that even with the children whom I had got to know. We were still on this issue when she was tested pregnant in the third month of our relationship. Then I made up my mind to see this one through while I know it is nothing that would last even though she claimed that she wanted it to last forever. She is going to have the baby she wanted and so was I even though i had my reserves of the malicious selfish thing I am doing. I could not call it a good relationship because I do not enjoy sex with her on any occassion. She was not a good sex partner and not very much a bed playmate i would have like to get stuck up with for a life time.
Her real color soon start to show up when she got pregnant and every truth was spilling out of her tongue like a dry honey comb. But then it was all explained to the pregnancy Homone. first was when she told me that she only wanted me for the child. and then, she told me the very question i asked after the last time I wrote the stud. She said that the man determines the sex of a baby but she would understand it if it turns out to be a boy because every man always want a boy as his first child.
I know I had to resolve this matter before the baby come along. And that was what sort of life am I ready to give to child I am bringing into a broken home. I still could not answer the question and at the end my curiousity got the best of me. I really wanted to see what my own child would look like. I want to know what would come out of my own nature. So I decided to go along with the pregnancy when she asked me that should we leave it or abort it.

Throughout the pregnancy period it was a verbal war and i could not count the number of insult that mount up unto me. finally she said i could go if i wanted to go that she would understand it and she would be able to bring up the child by her self. I think that was when the truth actually hit me. She had barraged me with honesty about wanting to stay with me forever which i was still thinking about how it could be posible. And how she wanted to keep all her family together and have a man over her. But it was all a complete manipulation and emotional blackmail. She never had the intention of getting married to a man and the reason i know is that all her previous were what i call a special selection by her. I recorgnise that she was picking the same type of men every time and i am sure it was something in her up bringing. And, of course not all of us could sometimes elude the cards fate dealt unto us.

Before the child was born i took a part time job to be able to buy the baby stuffs because she was not going to buy anything until she gets paid by the social welfare. Since she had forbid me from going out withou her or spending too much time on my writing. She calls it a dead end career. We had previously arranged that i can go out twice in a week for five to six hours alone and she knows where i am going. But before i had time to iron out her problems she had started accusing me of cheating and calling girls. It grew to a stage that i know that it is never going to be me and her forever. It was then I started thinking of having a second girlfriend on the side because i do not want to be disappointed by her promises and lies. She said she had experience cheating from men and knows all the tricks. But she got me wrong because i did not start thinking of having somebody else until i was being accused. I think she played the game right there because she could have work it out that i hardly leave the house even for a week at times. But I think she was doing it to push me away which of-course i try to tell her.

It was too late to stop anything now because she gave birth to a baby boy. I realise afterward that there is a big decision to make. However, i was willing to hold on until my boy is able to know one thing or two about me. She was finally able to get her three little boys back from their father not recently. That is the three little ones which drove her to the braking point. They spin her around like nothing else but it was all good it was part of being a mother. The final draw was drawn not long ago when she phoned the police to come and get me out of the house right in front of her boys and my baby boy.

I had to write this in a hurry because it was not until i open my blog page and read the stud again that i was surprised what i had just been through.


This was what I spe.............

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